Forever never comes.


As I think about the things I’ve done, I think about her. Nothing else seems to come in, just her. It’s been two years sense the last time we were together, but I’ll never forget it. I'll never forget that night when she took it all away from me. And left me there, to die alone. Nothing really was ever the same.
I was so young just playing around with friends is all it really was at the time, I never knew what it really would escapade into. I'm just sorry for some of the things that I’ve done and for the people I’ve hurt and the friends’ I’ve lost and will never get them back. It’s just that we were so young; we never knew we never could have known what it would do to us. We were all just swept away and taken by love. And we played its game, thinking we had what we thought was luck, but what we lacked we soon found out that we needed it more. We would die hand by hand, seeing each other one last time before we let our music play and our dreams fade. Its was once said to me that life was unpredictable, I told him that he was an idiot for saying the complete oveiuse and that he wasn’t even correct. We stand by what we chose and by the actions we take when we need to follow through with what we had chosen.
But we were still so young. We had lost so much and we had so little to show for it, I’d be along time before we would even truly open our eyes and see what had happened. We’d need to put ourselves in each other and see what each piece of us had seen. We might not have lost her then. We could have saved her, we could have protected her and I could have kept my promise to her. I’ll never forget the first time I saw her face, it was just impossible to say a word when she walked by you. She’ll never come around again, that’s what happens when you let yourself believe in love, it doesn’t kill you, but it kills the love in you. Bits by bit, until there’s nothing left, no love, no fear, and no anger, just resentment for ever letting yourself fall in love. And then you lose it, you lose your life to it. She did.
That night at the club, I had just arrived and was greeted by those idiots I called friends. We never let anything affect us, it was just us four, no one would ever get in our way. We were hardheaded like that back then. Things only kept getting worse and worse, as time went on that night. The music was good, not the tolerant good, that good kind where you have no clue what he’s saying but it has a nice beat to it and it doesn’t shake the “tips” jar on the counter next to us. We were weird, with our deep blue eyes, we didn’t think anyone could feel us then, all we could taste was what we thought was our lives, I didn’t want the world to ever see us though, they would break us, they’d try to tare us apart like we never wanted anyone to. We would rather bleed and go through hell then live a false life. We never wanted nor asked people to know who we were, they just thought that we were cool I guess, that we were the kind of people to keep an eye on because they’ll end up doing something to be remembered for, yeah right I thought. We bled a lot then, we still do, to shape the walls between us, we use them to shape our lives, for us, not for them. We were waiting for time that’s all, spending way too much time on the things that weren’t worth it, then she walked in.
Jason the oldest of our group at 19, he was someone that people could always talk to, I wanted to be like him more then anyone I’ve ever known, we were like brothers then, Chris and Alex both knew that, they even called us bro.’s a few times, but that was then, when he was still like us, and still alive in some point. We were just sitting there staring off into space, but Alex, he was asleep on the couch cause we kept threatening to do stuff to him in his sleep if he fell asleep before us. Its never to late, that’s what Jason said to me that night, he saw her before I did, then I made the biggest mistake of my life, and I felt alone. Everyone in the room suddenly disappeared as I fell, I just couldn’t stop looking at her, I had never seen any1 like her, in black baggy pants with blood red b-straps hanging on the side. With a red “Kill Feed” t-shit to mess it all up. I really didn’t think anyone remembered a band that’s only song that was ever heard in the underground had the words holy shit duck. It made me smile, and she walked over.
We didn’t talk, just looked at each other fincing smiles and glares at each other, I really didn’t think the world wanted to see us, they really wouldn’t understand. Then I saw her arm. She had tracks, like me. She quickly rolled her sleeves down to cover it, but it was too late, I had already noticed, along with Jason and Chris. Chris had several insadents with cutting that almost took him from us, he almost lost his grove over his parents devorse, and that’s when he started, we treat each other as if we were the same, we couldn’t sit by and let him kill not only him but apart of ourselves as well. We showed him that there’s different wasn’t to release pain, then through the skin, but through your eyes, show them what you feel and let them take a choice to stay or walk away. But those shit heads just nudged me over to her, smiled at her and walked back to a sleeping Alex. Her sent burned my nose as it entangeld me to her. Even without her name I took her by the wrist, she didn’t fight back just looked away, I peeled back her sleeve. She had a lot to hide from her marks. I don’t know why, nor did it really matter, people did things because they chose to, no other reason. I let my fingure trace each mark as I brought my head back and forth blowing on each mark. Her head turned back to me. Our song ended, and the people started coming back into view as I stud back up, as did she.
Another song started, sending a new feeling throughout the hourds of dancers, yet we remaind the same, fixed with each other, I couldn’t stay there, so I backed up tilled my head and gave her a close eyed half smile and walked to my friends. Even with all the music and people screaming, I still remember her giggle.
The club always closed to the new comers at 2am and gave an extra hour to the regulars. She was waiting for me that extra hour, near the ramps for those few idiots who tried to show off their moves to the few people who really didn’t give a crap they just wanted to finish their damned cigarette in peace. Never really had someone wait till 3am for me. Jason laughed as he saw her, told me to go ask her name. I walked to her, she smiled and said that I'm an idiot for walking away, I guess I was. I told her I just wanted her to know who I am, and not just the idiot part also. So I sold her my name was soda, hers was Morgan. I knew shed be back to the club next week, there really wasn’t a lot to do here if your not drunk to hide the boredom you get doing anything within town limits. Then she kissed my cheek like I was some 4th grader or something. This world will never see what was intended by that simple kiss, I walked back and the others just gave me a smile and we got in our car and drove away, turns out she was older then me to. Her with her damn car.
It all just seemed like a dream, I didn’t want it to end, though it did. For the next seven days I’d go on, going to school, seeing Jason and the others. Never letting that vision of her out of my mind, hopping that it really wasn’t a dream, just once in my life, maybe someone liked me. Thoughts spun in my head, knocking all others out and bombarding my brain entail she became my obsession. I was only 14 at the time, I had never known what I was feeling and it scared me. I had never shown my emotions up till then, and that’s what I wanted. The night came quicker as I remembered the firs sign of winter, and the air becomes colder nipping and biting at your nose entail it retreats back into your shirt for warmth. We were all huddled in our spot near the ramp outside. A hole in the back just big enough for the fore of us with our boards. The damn rain was falling fast at this point though. We were early, we really needed a key to the locks so that we could get in, seeing how we were always the first to be there, but it was way to cold to remember anything. About fifteen minutes later Sam came, the owner. We helped him open, we were just in it for the warmth.
She came again that night. Her black hair touching just below her shoulders, her eyes unfazed by the rushing glow of the lights. She looked at me as I did to her. Alex wiseled at her and I flashed him a glare, he knew he had said too much just by doing that. Her smile almost brought me to my knees. I thought I herd her laugh as I tried to walk over to her but was stopped by a drunken idiot who needs to find a new way to hold his liquor. I walked right up to her without making a noticeable sound. A foot away I could smell her. Her cent left me dazed, I thought I’d never come around. We stud there, drunks trashing around us to the new band “Last Tuesday” an alternate death metal band from Ohio. She took my hand and tried to lead me away, but that’s when Jason stopped her, he led us both back to the couch with the others. He explained that as cute of a girl she was, it was raining like hell out there and he didn’t think that she’d like a shower at the moment, even though I might not object.
The older I get, it just seems that I’ll never get over that moment, the time between the words she said to me, it made me believe that time itself really would heal all wounds, just the simple words of “hey.” I spent way too much time thinking of those words, I can believe it still hurts like that. I can’t believe but I can live it. That night we talked, and talked more then I would talk with anyone, even Jason most of all. I just couldn’t help but keep my eyes on hers though, so deep, it was like I was paralyzed, poison slowly working its way around my body, filling every cell making time come to an abrupt stop. Everything following now being lost crushed into the leading thoughts in my head. Now everything was a mess, yet I had never felt so alive. She had me transfixed and listening to every last word she said, I thought I’d at least catch that word. She liked me, Morgan really liked me, but she wasn’t a coward and she didn’t just wait around in the coroner waiting for someone else to see her, or to even notice her.
Even against Jason and Chris’s best wishes, I just had to feel normal for once in my life. I just wanted to be loved I guess. We all will come around eventually it’s all just a matter of time. We had made arrangements to meet each other at the local mall, my parents didn’t even know anything I do, so it wouldn’t really fazes them if I came home late, lucky me. But it turned out that once you look at someone through some other perspective, you start noticing things, like that you have a lot more in common then you think, and maybe even for a second I might have left myself enough space to dream, about her. About my Morgan.
We were to see a new movie, “corpse’s bride.” Had good revues and I liked all the other movies from that producer. It started late, and the night just seemed so clear, you could notice the clouds, how they move swiftly across the star lit sky, as if it were to be one million light bulbs each one pointing in my direction. Then she pulled up, her dad giving me the evil ill kill you if you keep looking at her chest, but I wasn’t about to be scared off by another parent, not being the first over proud parent, besides the one thing I relay liked about her was those eyes. You could tell she was looking at you, even across a hell hold like our club. She looked beautiful. That’s when I smiled again, I guess starting another bad habit, damn.
Her dad didn’t say a word, only dropped her off and left. We both went in the mall, looking laughing, even making fun of those guys who walk around dressed up like lady liberty trying to sell stuff. We sat at the local random Chinese place, she stirred her drink as I lied back in my chair. I really felt that the day itself was mine. Then it turned. Two guys walked up to her, she looked down to the floor. They started talking to her, their voices slowly rising like the tempo of a band rising. He reached his hand out and grabbed her arm yelling, “lets go now.” She turned and looked at me, her face will never leave my mind, so afraid, like if she left she really would die. I couldn’t let it happen to her, something in me just got ticked, some how her face crossed the line of love and hate. Before I knew it, I had grabbed his arm telling him to leave with my sneer. Things became accword after that; he smiled at me, as if he was expecting this to happen. He left go and just walked away, I really never understood why though. After it, she hugged me, all I did was hold her there, in front of the small gathering of people that were expecting to see a fight, I though I didn’t belong, but I realized that I really was there and she was hugging me not someone else. I didn’t say a word; I just left the moment spin around us, making every go away like a bad dream finally going to its better fragment.
In these dreams I’d like to tell you songs of paradise and happiness, but even in them, I’ve never felt like this. So clear and peaceful like in those boring movies, but it felt so good that I didn’t notice she had pulled away, cheeks redder then the single roses at representing the last goodbye from this world to someone as it lays atop their coffin at a funereal. We walked out of the mall a little later, hand and hand.
The next day went by slowly, the clock mounted on the wall staring ever so diligently at me. Ticking away my life, it just made me so angry watching clocks, time itself didn’t seem all that important to me. You had time to do a lot of things, how fast you can do stuff really doesn’t matter, keeping track of things just seems to be an annoyance to me. Like a watch sucking our young away tick by tick. We didn’t go to the same school, just my luck, but we stayed in touch every chance we could. Meeting all we could. Jason felt concerned, saying that I was putting myself to far out there, that she shouldn’t be about to do this to me, but it was far to late for that, every chance I took with her was worth it. Maybe some day I’d come around but she just made me feel so good, getting in trouble for sneaking out didn’t phase me at all, just the from the moment our eyes met till our lips departed there were no concerns, there was nothing to fear. Just being in that moment with her was worth all the beatings anyone had to offer. I wasn’t aware of how much time had passed till I herd the bell and saw the hoards of people jump out as they shoved just to get out four seconds before anyone else. They really were just kids. And I was something else.
It was Friday, and that ment that the club was open again. Alex came with the others to pick me up and then we were off. The car ride was only 20 minutes but no words were spoken till Jason spoke. “Are you going to meet her again?” “That hot chick?” Alex asked. “Yes.” I responded, my words fell flat as no one spoke after words. Something was wrong, I could tell he was thinking something, but I just wasn’t sure what it was. I never ment to lose him, I never ment to lose my own brother. It’s never to late, were the words that went through me head, and was the only reason I kept that silence. We all had a bond that could not nor would not be broken by anything, we’ve all been through way to much to lose each other now, I just wasn’t sure if he’d try something. It wouldn’t be like him, but people do things when there in the face of dead, so why not do anything to protect those who mean the most to you?
We arived pretty early, well compared to are usually 1 hour after opening idea, fashionable late my ass. There just had never been a reason for me to go there so early, but now to talk to her, it was worth it. She was there, it was like we were waiting for only one another, as Alex saw her he smiled, “Hey speak of the devil, well the extremely hotter then hell itself devil in black,” I didn’t find it that funny.
“I guess ill try to find my place, weather or not its with the family I’ve made over these years or with the one whom god up there thought it would be fun to put me with. It didn’t matter much to me though, despret people trying to find people don’t really find go looking for truble, but they always find it. That’s where we are, joking about some girl I’ve never seen in my life but a few times. We’re all one of a kind I guess, but at least together we made a full house. The yelling grew louder.
A new kid that had resently been showing up had been skateboarding when some of the regulars wanted him to leave so they could have a run, but from what I could tell, he wasn’t finished just yet.
“Alright what the hell is going on?” Jason stepped between the kids and looked around. From what he told me later that night the new kid had been there for a few hours and it didn’t matter that he wasn’t done, it wasn’t his turn. From the rules that Jason and Chris helped make when everyone desited to put in a skate park said that if someone was taking up the main ramp for practice then there would be a time limit put on his activities so that others can have a go also. And because he was alone out there his time limit wasn’t as long as the other guys would be. But this new guy was stuiped, it was 3 on 1, he would have gotten a beating we’d be cleaning up all the rest of the week.
“I’d never give up to touch you, cause I know that it hurt us so, there are to many problems between us, all I want is for you to go.” If I had to id rip those words from my mind, but like many other pages the never ending diary will always contiue to be writing everything thing that ticks as I slowly cross that fine line of life. And here I thought other people where stupied I cant even control myself. Across the moosh-pit fight I saw her, just wading in and out of the croud only looking to see if it was over, not caring just living. Someone like that only comes around one in a lifetime, and yet for a few moments I got to see he smile.
“Well fancy meeting you here again.” She smiled and I felt worth move through my cheeks. “Yeah I know I didn’t get to go to my friends little slumber party so I desighted to go on a ride, and hey guess I'm got lost cause you know id never come here.” She said smerking at me like she had won our sarcasim fight. We both walked past everyone else, only catching a quick glimmer of Jason’s eyes as we entered the door. Then all I could see were the flier for the highlighted band of the week “The Music” they had formed in 1999 and had traveled from the U.K. Their music was just like an emotion though, in the sense that we’re all little happy freaks all looking for some real king, I didn’t understand it, but that wasn’t why I had come. Morgan and I had walked pasted some of the back rooms, past the bar and the random stool that no one ever sits in cause people thinks it’s haunted, yeah right I thought if a ghost came here all he’d get for a remembrance of earth would be a headache and maybe if he’s lucky, he’ll wake up someplace far away and have no idea how he got there.
It feels like forever sense the last time anyone has been sitting in my head before, but there she was, beautiful, glissauming, and hauting herself all at the same time, it felt like home and I had just finished the last mortgage.
“I have something to tell you Morgan, and I don’t know how to say it.” I was nervise. “Really? Well if was important then you’d know how to say it then wouldn’t you? Don’t worry its not like I'm going to make fun of you.”
“The older I get maybe I’d realize what this means, but until then, I’d like it if you were there with me…” Her eyes widend for a momented followed by a smile, “ I wouldn’t mind that eather, there’s just something about you, your not like other guys I know, its like your still trying to learn things from life, don’t get mad at me for saying this but it’s like your being a little kid just trying to understand everything. I just hope I'm around when that kid puts it all to use.” With that we kissed, finally, I could smile again, this seemed to be a constent thing around her. We stayed in that position for a few minutes, hopping the others wouldn’t think he ditched them, so we headed down the hall back to the music, hand in hand.
The fight from earlier had ended long ago, they might have been angry at each other, but there weren’t a lot of people in this world that wanted to fight Jason, and defiantly not when all of us were there. Felling short of stable, she turned to me and gave me a kiss goodnight, that one kiss would strike up the most frustrating conversation with the others, ill ever have. “Love is for fools that fall behind…” Alex said that to me, he was great with words but the one thing he lacked was the common sense on some subjects, like loving someone, or on most things come to think of it. But there wasn’t much talk of it after that little saying from him, we all just drank and watched all the people jump and thrash around taking it all away from everything around them. Nothing stopped them but their very own limits, I guess that’s why I had always love music, because it drove use to be all we could be. Like in those crappy ass army commercials, but this time it made sense.
I could see the sky through the slowly closing doors. I could feel myself opening up more I wasn’t sure to what but it jump seemed to nice outside, even with my tolerance for these wannabes’ on stage wearing thinner and thinner with every missed cord. I looked around, no one seemed to be paying attintion to what they were doing at all, at that moment I sat up, “I need some air.” I said to Jason and the others, they just simply nodded and went back into their own little worlds while I headed to the door. I went out and sat on a near by ramp, everyone else had gone in by now, they always had their last calls, their own “tributes” to their guest bands, they’d get everyone inside so that they’d have a full house even if they sucked. Good thing I left then, there was just too much on my mind to think about how crappy the band was or that if that guy would step on my foot again id really show him what a thrashing was. Then I thought about her, If only she had been out here with me, under the blackened sky, the only form of light near by, from fire flies running around like they had their own band playing. Such a magical place it was like the night itself was mine. Jason had a knack for finding me, “Hey you alright?”
Of course something must have been off that night I don’t even remember now, but I just couldn’t help it. “Nothing really, its just that why cant I do things right? I try but I cant seem to figure out why things happen they way they do.”
There was a pause for a few moments as we both watched the fire flies dance. Jason look up at the sky, “well that’s just how things are, you whole life you think you have it bad, but theres a lot of things in this world that are here, souly to fuck with us, things wont always happen accourding to the plane, but that’s what life is, learning to get by it.” He smiled at and looked back up, “I mean all we can do is all we can, all I can do is help out who ever I can. I live life if the people I care about are hurt, I just cant stand by that. That’s why were close, you and I have a lot of things in our way, you help me, and ill do whatever I can to help you.” It was along 5 minutes before he spoke again, “we may not be blood brothers, but that doesn’t matter, were destond brothers.”
“What’s that mean?” I said.
“It means that were where we need to be in life, me and you, were not like other people we need people, you need to find a girl that fills that weird hole in your heart, and I need to find, well I don’t know what yet, but someday ill tell you.”
“Jason.” I said.
“Yeah?”
“Why are there so many questions?”
“Hahaha, because our lives are full of answers, we just need to find them. Now stop acting emo for a few dude we gotta get going were walking tonight.” That was a problem for Jason, he walked everywhere no new exactly why, I’ve asked him but all he said was that it gave him a chance to think.
We never talked on our walks, just silently pasted people, walking slowly but quickly at the same time. Hoods drawn we passed by a group of drunks walking out of a bar, it was the typical people. Spoiled brats that will never have to pay for anything, taking and taking from people, friends, family, it didn’t matter to these kind of people, they were happy as long as it was their way. We just walked right by. I couldn’t stand the smell of drunks it hurt my head. That night a lot of things seemed to be in there though, the only thing I could think of that might help was to drown them out, music would help me I thought, so I jacked in.
We were coming up to the cross walk just a few blocks from the police station, Jase and I always laughed as we walked passed it, suckers…
A few steps pasted mid way I felt a hand on my back, I felt arm first into the ground. I stood up at the other side screaming, sounding like whispers through the even louder screams coming from my headphones. I turned it off, but I still herd screams, I turned, I couldn’t see Jason, only a car.
Scanning the area I saw him, laying 10 feet up the road, not moving, just still. There were a few things in my mind still left there, hiding from the music, not anymore, I felt the last tear I ever would shed for someone that day. I ran to him,
“Jason!” I cried out. I lifted his head up onto my lap. “Are you alright, please don’t die.” His eyes opened a slit.
“Now why would I do a silly thing like that, remember we’ll be by each others sides forever.” His weakening voice found no comfort from me, my head couldn’t stop spinning, all I could see now was a blurry face, my own tears blinding me, a single red line now running from his mouth, then dripping off in the back. It would take the ambulance 14 minutes to get there from the next town over, the cause was a DUI, but the charge was vehicular homicide. I wouldn’t see anyone for the next few weeks, until I returned to school, a whole 20 days after the funeral, but even then I couldn’t look at anyone.